From Tragedy to Triumph...

A Mother’s Hope in Jesus during Unimaginable Loss.

“I have learned to kiss the wave that slams me into the rock of ages.” Charles Spurgeon

When Noah died, I was stripped down to nothing. I have never experienced grief to this level. Nothing in my life makes sense. I wake up each morning with the realization that my joy is gone. Most days my grief overtakes me. It swallows me up.

Waves of Grief

Noah loved the water. He loved the ocean and how the waves chased him when they kissed the shore. I remember the joy on his face when we visited Nova Scotia, Canada for the first time and he played along the shoreline skipping rocks into the ocean with his daddy. I thought “How deep the Father’s love for me that he gave me such a beautiful son.” Life was perfect.

Then on March 17th, 2018 Noah drowned.  As I type out those words, it induces a panic attack. The very thought of water or the noise of an ambulance siren is enough to take me back into the depths of hell. One question that haunts me is, "Why didn’t my motherly instinct tell me that my son was in trouble?" I failed him. When my son needed me the most I wasn’t there to help him. It is this guilt that makes my days, and nights, so unbearable. You say you can forgive yourself all you want, but it is much easier said then done. 

 I knew as soon as my husband pulled Noah out of the pool He was in the arms in Jesus. There was no earthly life left in him but I believe God is a God of miracles, so I clung to the belief that God would do a miracle. As a mother you grasp onto every ounce of hope that there may be to save your beautiful child. The truth is, God loved Noah too much so He took him home.

Since Noah's death I often feel like I’m floating in an ocean where massive waves of grief swallow me up. The undertow grabs me and I am brought down to the dark depths of the ocean. I look up and I can see light, but it’s far away and unattainable. Then, just for a moment, I’m brought back to the surface to experience a moment of joy before the grief pulls me back down and I’m caught spinning in currents of despair. I feel like I will never breath again.

How am I supposed to navigate life without Noah?

In all honesty, I don’t believe I will ever be able to navigate life without my son.  Joy seems so far away. The future is terrifying. The death of Noah is still fresh. Every morning I wake up hoping it was all just a nightmare, and I am quickly reminded that this is my new reality. Noah will never peak his head around my bedroom door and say, “Mommy, you awake?”

A lot of people have told me, “Someday there will be a new normal.” However, there is nothing normal about losing your child. A mother should never have to bury her child. In the last month I have experienced sadness and despair that no one should have to experience. Most days I would rather die than face another day without Noah, but I cling to the Lord and all the promises He has for me. 

 So I will let the waves of grief drag to me down to the dark depths of the ocean. I let them slam me into the rocky shore. After all, He is the one who controls the sea.